About

tom-patsys

Hello! Thanks for checking out my site. My government name is Tim Crowley. I’m a 44 year old guy who really likes the silver ball, among other goofy, nerdy, odd pursuits. Southern California has been my home since 1991.

What is this site about?

Primarily pinball, but it’s really whatever I’m feeling at the moment. Video games, board games, music, whatever.

Why should I read this particular blog?

Because my passion gets misinterpreted on message boards very frequently. I’ve gotten permabanned from all sorts of sites, from Gaming Age to Yelp. Online, I tend to go against the grain and get on peoples’ nerves a lot… so now I’m just here, doing my thing.

You sound like an asshole. 

Eh. I am, I guess. But to know me is to love me!

You’re not even that good at pinball!

Aw, don’t rub it in! Actually, I think I’m getting better with every year. My wrists get sore sometimes though, that never used to happen.

Whatever. What are your influences?

ego trip, Grand Royal, Select from the UK, Pulse Magazine from Tower Records, The Village Voice, The San Diego Reader, OC Weekly, LA Weekly, go$$iping bitches, Vice, Fucked Company, and so on and so forth.

Where does “Cornelius” and “Cornball” and Corn this, Corn that come from?

When I was a kid, I was a Navy brat. Every year we moved somewhere different, and even when we stayed put for a few years, we were still moving around town and I was moving from school to school.

When my stepdad retired from the Navy, we moved to a little suburb outside of Philadelphia called “Ridley Park”. I enrolled in Ridley High School. Before school even started, I enrolled in Marching Band and went off to Band Camp with a bunch of kids I had met before. To my surprise and delight, they accepted me as one of their own… but not without a little hazing, first. I was part of the Bass Drum section, and we were off practicing. I made a stupid joke during practice and one of the other Bass Drum players said “man, you are one corny fuck!”. Someone else misheard them and screamed, “did you just call him a CORNFUCK??”. Everybody laughed. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. The name stuck.

Actually, they were really calling me Cornfuck as a term of endearment, but that’s not what teachers and adults and non-band members want to hear. So the nickname got shortened to “Corn”. Then, when I started playing hip-hop on the high school radio station, I went by the name of “DJ Corn”. Then that became “Saint Cornelius”. And now it’s just plain old “Cornelius”. It has nothing to do with Planet of the Apes, although yes, you’re very clever, and yes, I’ve heard “Mister Crowley, do you talk to the dead?” about a million times.

July 18, 2017 update:

So you’re a Gamergate piece of shit, eh?

Nope. Not at all. I can’t stand the childish, misogynistic shitposting edgelords harrassing women or minorities or basically anyone not tuned into their vile wavelength. 

By the way, I never knew what “shitposting”, “edgelords” or even “gamergate” was, before I got accused of being involved with it. The person who accused me of it certainly knew to use a very loaded word to angry up people’s blood. Very cunning. 

But I’ve seen your posts from your website, Corn-Rages.com! You said some really bad stuff. You said you wanted to see someone raped!

As much as I can’t stand dickhead manchildren and their Gamergating bullshit, I find that the people on the other side of the gamergating spectrum – the ones offended by everything, the ones constantly finding something to be upset about – they’re just as bad…. if not worse. I’ve never had a gamergater tell me I can’t be part of their league. 

I never said anything about raping anyone. Someone else on that forum did. I’ve said stupid shit, and taken out of context like it has been, of course it’s going to upset some people. But I just can’t wrap my feeble mind around how you can be all friendly to someone one day, chatting about Pingolf scores and AC/DC strategies, to that person straight up thinking you’re demonic based on what someone else said. I was raised to believe that actions speak louder than words. I have nothing to be ashamed of as far as my actions are concerned. I shouldn’t have to concern myself with the reality distortion field some of these people are shrouded under, but when their actions impede my ability to join in their reindeer games? That’s bordering on some cult-y shit. 

Funny how all these people who go on and on about the need for “safe spaces” have gone above and beyond the norm to make me feel unsafe. I guess when you’re so convinced of your self-righteousness, a little hypocrisy shouldn’t impede you from fucking with someone’s life. 

You seem upset. 

It’s fucking frustrating. Part of me feels like “just go find something else to do with your time” and the another part feels like “these people WANT you to quit, don’t give them what they want”. Not a huge Slipknot fan, but they have song called “people = shit” and every day I’m more convinced that song is prophetic.